abilify

sorry abilify. I'm letting go of you. I'm convinced you made me gain the 20lbs i've been trying to lose.
goodbye.
hello withdrawal symptoms. bring it on.

Safe

I managed to scare myself away from overdosing. *phew*.

I lost another lb- I'm the thinnest i've been in QUITE a LONG time. 134.8!! Still larger than my average- but getting there! 3 more lbs to go until I meet my "normal highest weight"

On another note, i'm stopping taking my Topamax because it makes me crazy- even though it helps me lose weight(- it's better then diet pills!) because it effs up my birth control pill... and I don't want babiessssss soooooo yeah.

I'm also going to have to get off this combo of anfanil (or whatever it's called) and prozac because they have a BAD interaction (ummm.... hello psychiatrist????) and make me uber zombie-ish- as well as even more suicidal. as you may have been able to tell.

Tomorrow I officially withdraw from college... again.

I've been biting my lip all day and haven't cared. I just don't care anymore, depression is really bad...

ok, well that's all. I'm still alive

toodles

I'm ranting

I'm so sick and tired of being fat :-(
I have NEVER EVER been higher then 131.4 in my LIFE until I was put on abilify :-( then I gained 20lbs... wtf????? I'm miserable every single day- even if I don't show it. I literally crawl out of this body- I hate it so much. Sure, I'm still tiny enough you can see definition of ribs or whatever, and I'm on the lower range of healthy or whatever- but I'm fucking huge. I have never been this big. And now it takes effort???? To get thin???? It used to take me huge meals and prayers to GAIN weight back when I was a senior in high school and couldn't donate blood because I was too scrawny. I was 114 and complaining about it. God I hate myself.

If only I could see what I'd turn out to be now. A fat, ugly, depressing slob who can't even go to college she's so messed up.
My mom was afraid I dyed my hair black- like when my sister did- when she was really depressed, and that this was a sign of me being in a very bad spot. That's not why I did it, I did it as a pick me up- but obviously nothing in this world will pick me up unless I starve myself down.

I just want to claw at my skin, yell at the sky, run around in circles, roll up into a ball. All at the same time. Why am I like this??? Why can't I just be satisfied and happy? Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be better??? In ALL the senses of the word.
Better.
Why can't I be best.
no...
at this point, why can't I even be acceptable?

I'm a fuckup through and through. Fuckups destroy their lives and I have. I've tried to kill mine what, 4 times now? probably more to come... hopefully only one more to come...
and what have I left in my wake?
Win, win, win, win, fail, fail, fail, fail... epic fail.

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't be out in the world. I should be in the hospital... or home... or in Western Psych on the Eating Disorder Inpatient Floor... but I'm still too fat, and my mind comes up with excuses.

I always wonder after these sort of posts... is this my suicide note? Is this my last goodbye?
In the past my last goodbyes have been written slurrs of
Izzssss toook too many kloonopinssss arghhhHHHH godBYEEEEEE
pure literature.

so should I start writing a suicide book or something, now that I know I'm going to do it eventually?

God. I just need to shut up. It's late. I'm an insomniac. and stupid.
bye guys...
not a forever bye, I still have insignificant goals to achieve

another update. depressed.

this time last year, I was 115.2lbs and complaining about it...
I posted these photos.

More on me...

As you may have heard, seen written, or gathered- I am not doing too hot.
- lost 15lbs
- has to call crisis services every day to keep self from killing self
- can't go to classes due to unbearable anxiety
- had a panic attack (first one in a few months!)
- was supposed to be hospitalized
- had to withdraw from college.

Yeah...

I have a therapist appointment today at 4:00 (there was a cancellation), I see my psychiatrist tomorrow (he's uber worried about me), and I also see a medical doctor tomorrow at 2:00 (because my kidneys and my white blood cells).  have help waiting for me, and here's my plan of action

- go to abc meetings (anorexia, bulimia, cutting)
- go to Mental Health Association of Northwestern PA and their activities
- go into inpatient care somewhere (western psych? Meadville? Nittany? Meadows? not sure yet)
- see team weekly
- get my effing eff act together
- catch up on incompletes
- find a job

Right now, I feel tired, but relieved that I withdrew from college- which is a good sign. I still feel like I failed again though, and that maybe I'll just never be anything in life since I can't handle college...
I don't know, I'm hard on myself.

Here's the thing though,
I don't want help for my eating disorder, because it's such a comfort and I find it... helpful, if that's weird? I think it's the only structure in my life and something I can rely on... an old friend through the tough times. I know, I know, it's NOT my friend and ultimately it's making the tough times... tougher- but still... the control.

comments and support are appreciated, I need them really...

panic attack. ick.

So I had a panic attack
First one in a few months... it was not fun- never is! But I took two klonopin, fell asleep- and now I'm up. I had to e-mail all my professors about what was going on, and Dr.Miner called and we fit me in to see her tomorrow at 4:00!!! So I'm very pleased... I really hope I get to stay in school. I definitely know I need to be hospitalized next week though

Hospitalization

"Dear Professors,

I will not be in class- or be able to meet with anyone- tomorrow the 10th of September. My Psychiatrist wants me in the hospital ASAP. I apologize if this is an inconvenience, I do not wish to miss classes but I need to take care of myself at this point.
I expect to return to classes on Monday, but I am unsure how long I will be hospitalized at this point.
Thank you for understanding"


because of my bad kidneys and white blood cells, my psychiatrist is hospitalizing me- and especially because I almost attempted suicide again today.
I'm weaning myself off the diet pills and it sucks balls.

I'll try and lose weight though since they can't treat my ED there

A Good Morning, hopefully

Yesterday I was so overwhelmed by

a. my eating disorder
b. my ocd
c. my constant anxiety
d. my depression
e. my constant thoughts
f. this elimination diet and sticking to it

that I lost sight of reality. The reality is I CAN do this. I CAN go to classes and get good grades, even with these demons on my back.
I CAN follow the elimination diet- even though it's tough
I CAN manage my disorders... I hope.

I had posted a video- you may have noticed I took it down, which I titled "Sicken" and was the beginning trauma of my relapse... but some idiot posted "Why would you upload that?" so I pathetically blocked her and took many of my videos down in response.

Whenever I get hate-filled comments, I flip out- think EVERYONE is thinking that way, and convince myself that I'm a failure. I don't know why... I just (as Bryan ha said) give people too much power over me. It makes sense that my ED raised it's head and yelled "Over here! Use me as a weapon!!!" so I was going to starve myself again "to show them who's boss"

I'm on two diets:
- elimination diet (for medical reasons)
- abc diet (for ED reasons)

I went all OCD yesterday and separated my chips into their given serving sizes and placed them in ziplock bags. I almost taped myself doing it because I knew how ridiculous I ws being.... but ya know. Because I'm "newly" relapsing, and recovery is hardly in sight for me at this point, I don't want to call attention to myself.

I've also started exercising whenever I get the chance.
I'm super tired so I think i'll try to go back to bed now...

goodnight ya'll

FAT

I'm sorry, I know "no you're not!!!"

but I am...
at least I feel it- and feeling it matters- doesn't it???
ugh.
ack.
grr.

I "binged" today. ate 2,000cals... normal some would say, healthy others would repeat.
Nay. I say.
And what I say ultimately matters.

My birthday diet effing sucks. I binged... all because of glorious frozen yogurt that i can eat. I'm going to throw the other away- unless Bryan thinks that's a waste and then I'll give it to him.

I'm... upset...?
I'm mad really- all I feel is anger towards myself. I came up with a system of rewards and punishments and have been punishing myself ever since I binged, mentally- and physically.
"i'm just dancing"

yeah... right. wish I COULD just dance, but I feel everything jiggling, see my grabable thighs. It makes me want to cry.
I feel trapped in a body that certainly CAN'T be mine, you know?

Everything was going so well.
I finally got my schedule in check, I was going to classes- I even made it a few days without anxiety meds! But now i'm a whale again... nothing has changed except my mind, it got too comfortable- and that's a red flag to throw a grenade.

I lost 10lbs- so what, i'm still at the "you look great!!" phase where everyone tells me that...
which means I'm normal... horribly, unspecial, horribly... something.
I don't want to be something
I want to be nothing
I deserve to be nothing...
that's the only thing I actually deserve in life...

Tomorrow I see Dr. Siple.
I plan to not eat at all for the next three days (as punishment for my betrayal on my diets rules)
I almost said watch me die, but instead- watch me float.

I'm so moody.
here are the punishments my mind has placed on me:
- stay up past 1:00am
- exercise til your heart stops beating normally
- obsess obsess obsess
- dance crazily for an hour
- full tae-bo tape
- bike to school

at this point I don't even want to go to school...
not when I feel/look this huge.
Maybe I'll just take a sick day tomorrow and go to Siples.
He'll probably call dr.miner and they'll have me to the psych ward...
I don't know, that's what my mind tells me I deserve.

Last year for my birthday I attempted suicide.
This year for my birthday I'm doing that, but slowly and more discretely.
even though I want this year to be great!

I want to keep eating for even more punishment
but I know i'll just keep eating and keep punishing...
so instead I'll rip myself apart from the inside out.
darnit.

I just want peace.