I'm ranting

I'm so sick and tired of being fat :-(
I have NEVER EVER been higher then 131.4 in my LIFE until I was put on abilify :-( then I gained 20lbs... wtf????? I'm miserable every single day- even if I don't show it. I literally crawl out of this body- I hate it so much. Sure, I'm still tiny enough you can see definition of ribs or whatever, and I'm on the lower range of healthy or whatever- but I'm fucking huge. I have never been this big. And now it takes effort???? To get thin???? It used to take me huge meals and prayers to GAIN weight back when I was a senior in high school and couldn't donate blood because I was too scrawny. I was 114 and complaining about it. God I hate myself.

If only I could see what I'd turn out to be now. A fat, ugly, depressing slob who can't even go to college she's so messed up.
My mom was afraid I dyed my hair black- like when my sister did- when she was really depressed, and that this was a sign of me being in a very bad spot. That's not why I did it, I did it as a pick me up- but obviously nothing in this world will pick me up unless I starve myself down.

I just want to claw at my skin, yell at the sky, run around in circles, roll up into a ball. All at the same time. Why am I like this??? Why can't I just be satisfied and happy? Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be better??? In ALL the senses of the word.
Better.
Why can't I be best.
no...
at this point, why can't I even be acceptable?

I'm a fuckup through and through. Fuckups destroy their lives and I have. I've tried to kill mine what, 4 times now? probably more to come... hopefully only one more to come...
and what have I left in my wake?
Win, win, win, win, fail, fail, fail, fail... epic fail.

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't be out in the world. I should be in the hospital... or home... or in Western Psych on the Eating Disorder Inpatient Floor... but I'm still too fat, and my mind comes up with excuses.

I always wonder after these sort of posts... is this my suicide note? Is this my last goodbye?
In the past my last goodbyes have been written slurrs of
Izzssss toook too many kloonopinssss arghhhHHHH godBYEEEEEE
pure literature.

so should I start writing a suicide book or something, now that I know I'm going to do it eventually?

God. I just need to shut up. It's late. I'm an insomniac. and stupid.
bye guys...
not a forever bye, I still have insignificant goals to achieve

Change/Self Portrait

- why so afraid of change?
- because change is big
- why so afraid of big?
- because big means more
- why so afraid of more?
- ... I don't deserve more.

hospital

My boyfriend wants me to go to the hospital. today :-( I really don't want to because I gained so much this weekend I NEED to lose it before I can do anything... ugh I feel so trapped.
Yeah, I was a whooping 143.8 last night. Gained 6lbs???? S yeah, not feeling very nice- especially since I was soooooo close to my effing goal of losing 20lbs by my birthday. Now I'm screwed.
Buying diet pills today. Not going o the hospital no matter what. I need to lose that 6lbs I put on. NOW. FAST.

This is what I wrote in my LJ about it last night:

It's like I put it on hold.

It's as if I put my eating disorder on hold when I went home. All my troubles, depression, anxiety went out the window.
I ate. Probably for my family I ate... and even though I told myself I was "still in check", I was not somehow.

Let's get personal. I haven't crapped in 3 days or so- and today the gates finalllyyyy opened- only when I got back home to my apartment... so I keep telling myself that's why i'm fat.
Plus I had some bad lactose intolerances responses a few days in a row... bloated and horrible.

sooooooooooooooooooo
I've been "stuck" we shall call it. I weighed myself for the first time and I gained 8lbs over 3 days. I am distraught- truth be told. I feel enormous... I was so close to my 20lbs goal and now I lost 5 effing lbs instead of 15.

I feel horrible, I want to die- all of the obsessive EVERYTHINGS came back. I think, why can't I control it here??? Why does it haunt me here???

And then I think I can NEVER go into western psych- ever now. I'm too fat, I'm huge- who fucking cares if I take too many diet pills and now have started on laxatives and don't give a flying hhdjfgadygvafadjdfavjfdsafbj about my kidneys and whatnot.

must scream.
FUCK.

I feel awful...

Two days of binging

I've been binging, and hating myself for it. I was sooooo close to reaching one of my goals- and then I get sick, my psychiatrist notices, and we order a pizza- in which I eat half. Then the day after that I felt horrible and fat and decided it would be in my best interest to eat everything in the house as
a. punishment
b. to get rid of the evil food in the house

So then I binged again, kinda sorta.
I'm convincing my mind that today (since I see a medical doctor) they may want to run labs again and thus I have to fast until I see him.

This low white blood cell thing has caught up to me and I feel like crap- especially the last 3 days.

I'm going to be honest and share my weight gain, that way I can't screw with my head and convince myself I'm smaller than I am, so I'll be updating my freakin' stats UGHH. I was doing so well too :-(

September 15 (GW 138.8)
•    Morning weight: 135.2
•    Calories consumed: 1,600
•    Exercise length: none

September 16
•    Morning weight: 137.8
•    Calories consumed: 2,000
•    Exercise length: none

I guess I don't look uber horrible- but knowing that NOW I'm closer to just 10lbs lost, then 15lbs lost makes ME feel lost :-(

thinspo.

Fat Exposure therapy II

Decision

my fat ass is withdrawing from school.

My thoughts...

It's really early and I'm up. I was afraid the laxatives would... have an effect or whatnot lol.
I'm freezing cold :-(

I've decided to change my rules, because I gained a bit of weight and feel like I have been giving myself leeway.
so here goes:

- follow new point system (for school)

- no more than 300cals a day

- no sugar

- no milk

- no soy

- no chocolate

- no peanuts

- light exercise (do chores, dance, walk to school)

How I've been. As you may have noticed, I was going to be hospitalized, but realized I just can't do that because of missing too much school. I was going to be in the hospital for:

a. my depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety

b. my terrible ocd patterns and rituals

c. my eating disorder and the effects it's having on my body

I didn't follow my psychiatrists advice and am now going to school today- hopefully. I'm freezing cold! Why is it so freakin' cold???
gahhhhh

I figured I should keep tabs on how many diet pills/etc I take in a day:
thus far:

- (2) Xenadrine ultras

- (2) acai berry supplements

- (2) fat burner cleanse

and it's only 5:30am right now lol

If my parents knew I was still taking all this, they would be so upset... especially because the meds cause kidney damage- and already my kidneys are bad...
I expect to get a phone call from dr.sipple today (my psychiatrist) telling me the results of my lab work I had done on friday. Hopefully it's this kind of news
"Hi Susie, I got your labs and your white blood cells are back in normal again, also your kidney function is better"

but I'm  not so sure...

Last night I dreamed that one of my followers reported me for my half-naked photos lol. I knew them in real life and kicked their butt apparently.

ok... well this is getting long, how about some fun photos of pretty skinny people?

elimination diet- eliminates: sugar!

OMGGGG I just "binged" on those little candy pumpkins... and because fo the elimination diet, I unfortunately found out that I am intolerant to sugar now :-( :-(
I guess it's a good thing... but it also sucks. I'm so fat right now. I'm going to take laxatives or somethingggg ughhhhhh

FATTTTTT

another fat exposure

135 :D

Reached a stepping stone, ya know? I was uber excited to read that on the scale! But I still am fat. Even at 129 I'll be fat. It's not until 122 when I'll start to feel better about myself- but like I said, my goal for my birthday is to lose 20lbs- and I certainly may surpass that by the looks of things!

Fat Exposure therapy lol

my thighs still touch *gags* and I still have a little belly pouch, but my abs are visible and if I bend over- my thighs don't touch... so that's a start! Still need to be 136 by today, else punishment.

my today stats:

Day: 4 (September 9th)

Weight That Morning:  137.4

Calories Expected: 400

Calories Consumed: 700cals

D: noodles and tuna and alfredo sauce (700)

exercise:

Punishment: fat exposure

141.6.... :-(

Good Morning Failure,

How was your day failure? Oh that's right... it sucked because you suck, fat pig.

Today I'm going to be an exercise fiend. I'm sticking to all my punishments from the days prior and doing them (even though it's supposed to rain- what evs, deal with it)


I went up today- too embarrassed to say how much. It should be gone by tomorrow.

FAT

I'm sorry, I know "no you're not!!!"

but I am...
at least I feel it- and feeling it matters- doesn't it???
ugh.
ack.
grr.

I "binged" today. ate 2,000cals... normal some would say, healthy others would repeat.
Nay. I say.
And what I say ultimately matters.

My birthday diet effing sucks. I binged... all because of glorious frozen yogurt that i can eat. I'm going to throw the other away- unless Bryan thinks that's a waste and then I'll give it to him.

I'm... upset...?
I'm mad really- all I feel is anger towards myself. I came up with a system of rewards and punishments and have been punishing myself ever since I binged, mentally- and physically.
"i'm just dancing"

yeah... right. wish I COULD just dance, but I feel everything jiggling, see my grabable thighs. It makes me want to cry.
I feel trapped in a body that certainly CAN'T be mine, you know?

Everything was going so well.
I finally got my schedule in check, I was going to classes- I even made it a few days without anxiety meds! But now i'm a whale again... nothing has changed except my mind, it got too comfortable- and that's a red flag to throw a grenade.

I lost 10lbs- so what, i'm still at the "you look great!!" phase where everyone tells me that...
which means I'm normal... horribly, unspecial, horribly... something.
I don't want to be something
I want to be nothing
I deserve to be nothing...
that's the only thing I actually deserve in life...

Tomorrow I see Dr. Siple.
I plan to not eat at all for the next three days (as punishment for my betrayal on my diets rules)
I almost said watch me die, but instead- watch me float.

I'm so moody.
here are the punishments my mind has placed on me:
- stay up past 1:00am
- exercise til your heart stops beating normally
- obsess obsess obsess
- dance crazily for an hour
- full tae-bo tape
- bike to school

at this point I don't even want to go to school...
not when I feel/look this huge.
Maybe I'll just take a sick day tomorrow and go to Siples.
He'll probably call dr.miner and they'll have me to the psych ward...
I don't know, that's what my mind tells me I deserve.

Last year for my birthday I attempted suicide.
This year for my birthday I'm doing that, but slowly and more discretely.
even though I want this year to be great!

I want to keep eating for even more punishment
but I know i'll just keep eating and keep punishing...
so instead I'll rip myself apart from the inside out.
darnit.

I just want peace.