More on me...

As you may have heard, seen written, or gathered- I am not doing too hot.
- lost 15lbs
- has to call crisis services every day to keep self from killing self
- can't go to classes due to unbearable anxiety
- had a panic attack (first one in a few months!)
- was supposed to be hospitalized
- had to withdraw from college.

Yeah...

I have a therapist appointment today at 4:00 (there was a cancellation), I see my psychiatrist tomorrow (he's uber worried about me), and I also see a medical doctor tomorrow at 2:00 (because my kidneys and my white blood cells).  have help waiting for me, and here's my plan of action

- go to abc meetings (anorexia, bulimia, cutting)
- go to Mental Health Association of Northwestern PA and their activities
- go into inpatient care somewhere (western psych? Meadville? Nittany? Meadows? not sure yet)
- see team weekly
- get my effing eff act together
- catch up on incompletes
- find a job

Right now, I feel tired, but relieved that I withdrew from college- which is a good sign. I still feel like I failed again though, and that maybe I'll just never be anything in life since I can't handle college...
I don't know, I'm hard on myself.

Here's the thing though,
I don't want help for my eating disorder, because it's such a comfort and I find it... helpful, if that's weird? I think it's the only structure in my life and something I can rely on... an old friend through the tough times. I know, I know, it's NOT my friend and ultimately it's making the tough times... tougher- but still... the control.

comments and support are appreciated, I need them really...

Self portrait- attack of my OCD

some of the many lists I've made...

A Good Morning, hopefully

Yesterday I was so overwhelmed by

a. my eating disorder
b. my ocd
c. my constant anxiety
d. my depression
e. my constant thoughts
f. this elimination diet and sticking to it

that I lost sight of reality. The reality is I CAN do this. I CAN go to classes and get good grades, even with these demons on my back.
I CAN follow the elimination diet- even though it's tough
I CAN manage my disorders... I hope.

I had posted a video- you may have noticed I took it down, which I titled "Sicken" and was the beginning trauma of my relapse... but some idiot posted "Why would you upload that?" so I pathetically blocked her and took many of my videos down in response.

Whenever I get hate-filled comments, I flip out- think EVERYONE is thinking that way, and convince myself that I'm a failure. I don't know why... I just (as Bryan ha said) give people too much power over me. It makes sense that my ED raised it's head and yelled "Over here! Use me as a weapon!!!" so I was going to starve myself again "to show them who's boss"

I'm on two diets:
- elimination diet (for medical reasons)
- abc diet (for ED reasons)

I went all OCD yesterday and separated my chips into their given serving sizes and placed them in ziplock bags. I almost taped myself doing it because I knew how ridiculous I ws being.... but ya know. Because I'm "newly" relapsing, and recovery is hardly in sight for me at this point, I don't want to call attention to myself.

I've also started exercising whenever I get the chance.
I'm super tired so I think i'll try to go back to bed now...

goodnight ya'll