an update of sorts

I've been down lately. blehh.

hospital

My boyfriend wants me to go to the hospital. today :-( I really don't want to because I gained so much this weekend I NEED to lose it before I can do anything... ugh I feel so trapped.
Yeah, I was a whooping 143.8 last night. Gained 6lbs???? S yeah, not feeling very nice- especially since I was soooooo close to my effing goal of losing 20lbs by my birthday. Now I'm screwed.
Buying diet pills today. Not going o the hospital no matter what. I need to lose that 6lbs I put on. NOW. FAST.

This is what I wrote in my LJ about it last night:

It's like I put it on hold.

It's as if I put my eating disorder on hold when I went home. All my troubles, depression, anxiety went out the window.
I ate. Probably for my family I ate... and even though I told myself I was "still in check", I was not somehow.

Let's get personal. I haven't crapped in 3 days or so- and today the gates finalllyyyy opened- only when I got back home to my apartment... so I keep telling myself that's why i'm fat.
Plus I had some bad lactose intolerances responses a few days in a row... bloated and horrible.

sooooooooooooooooooo
I've been "stuck" we shall call it. I weighed myself for the first time and I gained 8lbs over 3 days. I am distraught- truth be told. I feel enormous... I was so close to my 20lbs goal and now I lost 5 effing lbs instead of 15.

I feel horrible, I want to die- all of the obsessive EVERYTHINGS came back. I think, why can't I control it here??? Why does it haunt me here???

And then I think I can NEVER go into western psych- ever now. I'm too fat, I'm huge- who fucking cares if I take too many diet pills and now have started on laxatives and don't give a flying hhdjfgadygvafadjdfavjfdsafbj about my kidneys and whatnot.

must scream.
FUCK.

I feel awful...

Two days of binging

I've been binging, and hating myself for it. I was sooooo close to reaching one of my goals- and then I get sick, my psychiatrist notices, and we order a pizza- in which I eat half. Then the day after that I felt horrible and fat and decided it would be in my best interest to eat everything in the house as
a. punishment
b. to get rid of the evil food in the house

So then I binged again, kinda sorta.
I'm convincing my mind that today (since I see a medical doctor) they may want to run labs again and thus I have to fast until I see him.

This low white blood cell thing has caught up to me and I feel like crap- especially the last 3 days.

I'm going to be honest and share my weight gain, that way I can't screw with my head and convince myself I'm smaller than I am, so I'll be updating my freakin' stats UGHH. I was doing so well too :-(

September 15 (GW 138.8)
•    Morning weight: 135.2
•    Calories consumed: 1,600
•    Exercise length: none

September 16
•    Morning weight: 137.8
•    Calories consumed: 2,000
•    Exercise length: none

I guess I don't look uber horrible- but knowing that NOW I'm closer to just 10lbs lost, then 15lbs lost makes ME feel lost :-(

thinspo.

another update. depressed.

this time last year, I was 115.2lbs and complaining about it...
I posted these photos.

2 points.

Food:

Binge worthy amount (-2 pts)

Nutrition:

Took diet pills (1 pt. 2pt day max)

Took vitamins, psych meds (1 pt)

Has at least 1-3 fruit/veggie servings (1 pt)

Had milk products, bread/flour, greasy food (-1 pt for each food)

Drank 80+ oz water (2 pts)
Exercise:

None (-2 pt)

= 2points.

Decision

my fat ass is withdrawing from school.

Good Morning Failure,

How was your day failure? Oh that's right... it sucked because you suck, fat pig.

Today I'm going to be an exercise fiend. I'm sticking to all my punishments from the days prior and doing them (even though it's supposed to rain- what evs, deal with it)


I went up today- too embarrassed to say how much. It should be gone by tomorrow.

Freakin' God

I suck
my punishments for tomorrow (I'm calling it bootcamp):

bc:

- work out double amount

- ride bike for 15minutes

- taebo for 20minutes

- dance crazily for an hour and a half

- try on thin clothes