Thank GOD

so I just found out that my boyfriend stole my keys so I wouldn't go out and buy, as we call, contraband (diet pills, laxatives, water pills etc)... i just bitched and complained via text message and turns out he told me he hadn't thrown away my pills from before when i broke down and gave the to him!!! So now I am stocked!
I've got my xenadrine and green tea extract back!!! I'm soooo excited!!!
I NEED to lose weight before they admit me next week. there's no room for messing up. I NEED to do this.

THIN= meish

patience is a virture- but it effing rocks if you wait it out!!!
My body looks sick today.... like sick= good, not sick as in throwup-disgustingly-horrible.

I officially say you can see my ribs again.
6 more lbs and I'll be back to being my "normal" weight (around 128)
do you think I can lose 6lbs by my birthday??? that's my goal! I have 6 days hahahahaha
oh god. yeah right.

ok well i'm off. toodles ya'll

Music Video I made

To Karen Elson's "The Birds They Circle"

Rough day again... for some reason I've gained weight even though I haven't eaten anything. sucks. I hate my life. ugh.

135.8 this morning

goin' down down baby do dee do dee do do :D

I'm ranting

I'm so sick and tired of being fat :-(
I have NEVER EVER been higher then 131.4 in my LIFE until I was put on abilify :-( then I gained 20lbs... wtf????? I'm miserable every single day- even if I don't show it. I literally crawl out of this body- I hate it so much. Sure, I'm still tiny enough you can see definition of ribs or whatever, and I'm on the lower range of healthy or whatever- but I'm fucking huge. I have never been this big. And now it takes effort???? To get thin???? It used to take me huge meals and prayers to GAIN weight back when I was a senior in high school and couldn't donate blood because I was too scrawny. I was 114 and complaining about it. God I hate myself.

If only I could see what I'd turn out to be now. A fat, ugly, depressing slob who can't even go to college she's so messed up.
My mom was afraid I dyed my hair black- like when my sister did- when she was really depressed, and that this was a sign of me being in a very bad spot. That's not why I did it, I did it as a pick me up- but obviously nothing in this world will pick me up unless I starve myself down.

I just want to claw at my skin, yell at the sky, run around in circles, roll up into a ball. All at the same time. Why am I like this??? Why can't I just be satisfied and happy? Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be better??? In ALL the senses of the word.
Better.
Why can't I be best.
no...
at this point, why can't I even be acceptable?

I'm a fuckup through and through. Fuckups destroy their lives and I have. I've tried to kill mine what, 4 times now? probably more to come... hopefully only one more to come...
and what have I left in my wake?
Win, win, win, win, fail, fail, fail, fail... epic fail.

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't be out in the world. I should be in the hospital... or home... or in Western Psych on the Eating Disorder Inpatient Floor... but I'm still too fat, and my mind comes up with excuses.

I always wonder after these sort of posts... is this my suicide note? Is this my last goodbye?
In the past my last goodbyes have been written slurrs of
Izzssss toook too many kloonopinssss arghhhHHHH godBYEEEEEE
pure literature.

so should I start writing a suicide book or something, now that I know I'm going to do it eventually?

God. I just need to shut up. It's late. I'm an insomniac. and stupid.
bye guys...
not a forever bye, I still have insignificant goals to achieve

it's official

It's Official

I am starting a "lose 20lbs before going to western psych" strike. I am pulling out my stubbornness and am refusing to go there unless I am considered somewhat underweight- even just a little bit.if I lose 20lbs now, i'll be 117.
in other news. I can't poop because I've run out of laxatives. fun.

Newest Goal:

get back to 135lbs again darnit!!!! ------------------^

Two days of binging

I've been binging, and hating myself for it. I was sooooo close to reaching one of my goals- and then I get sick, my psychiatrist notices, and we order a pizza- in which I eat half. Then the day after that I felt horrible and fat and decided it would be in my best interest to eat everything in the house as
a. punishment
b. to get rid of the evil food in the house

So then I binged again, kinda sorta.
I'm convincing my mind that today (since I see a medical doctor) they may want to run labs again and thus I have to fast until I see him.

This low white blood cell thing has caught up to me and I feel like crap- especially the last 3 days.

I'm going to be honest and share my weight gain, that way I can't screw with my head and convince myself I'm smaller than I am, so I'll be updating my freakin' stats UGHH. I was doing so well too :-(

September 15 (GW 138.8)
•    Morning weight: 135.2
•    Calories consumed: 1,600
•    Exercise length: none

September 16
•    Morning weight: 137.8
•    Calories consumed: 2,000
•    Exercise length: none

I guess I don't look uber horrible- but knowing that NOW I'm closer to just 10lbs lost, then 15lbs lost makes ME feel lost :-(

thinspo.

todays stats

September 14
•    Morning weight: 135.4
•    Calories consumed: 480
•    Exercise length: 2minutes
points: 7.5 (buy self plum lipstick)

Found some photos of me

back when I was beautiful and tiny

131lbs

128lbs

 128lbs

 120lbs

 95lbs

 95lbs

getting closer to goal

September 13

• Morning weight: 135.2

• Calories consumed: 400

• Exercise length: 15minutes

135 :D

Reached a stepping stone, ya know? I was uber excited to read that on the scale! But I still am fat. Even at 129 I'll be fat. It's not until 122 when I'll start to feel better about myself- but like I said, my goal for my birthday is to lose 20lbs- and I certainly may surpass that by the looks of things!

Down a lb! 136!

Lost a lb- woot!!! I've almost lost 15lbs- pretty cool. Then only 5 more lbs to go for my birthday goal weight. (126) and then I continue after that of course

September 11
•    Morning weight: 136.4
•    Calories consumed: 770
•    Exercise length:

thinyyyspooo

Me in 7th grade

I found a ripped photo of myself from 7th grade at the dreaded lunch table... where all I ate was carrots and water.

I was 5'7 and 80lbs at my worst then.

I looked like death and bsically WAS.
I don't have any other photos of me back in 7th grade because I was so embarrassed.

10!

Food:

151-300 calories(3 pts)

Nutrition:

Took diet pills (1 pt. 2pt day max)

Took vitamins, psych meds (1 pt)

Has at least 1-3 fruit/veggie servings (1 pt)

Drank 80+ oz water (2 pts)

Less than 15 minutes (-1 pt)

Do chores (1 pt)

Beauty/Etc:

Work on ED scrapbook (.5 pt)

Go driving (.5 pt)

so far:10!!!


September 10
•    Morning weight: 137.2
•    Calories consumed: 300
•    Exercise length: 8minutes

Fat Exposure therapy lol

my thighs still touch *gags* and I still have a little belly pouch, but my abs are visible and if I bend over- my thighs don't touch... so that's a start! Still need to be 136 by today, else punishment.

my today stats:

Day: 4 (September 9th)

Weight That Morning:  137.4

Calories Expected: 400

Calories Consumed: 700cals

D: noodles and tuna and alfredo sauce (700)

exercise:

Point System idea and 137.8!!!!!

http://paicheonamission.blogspot.com/

I borrowed your point system idea :-) altered it a little to fit my needs, but ya know.
If you'd like to see, it's in my "Rules".

Points so far for today: 3 (took diet pills, took crazy meds, drank 40oz)

Well, I'm going to head to class early today just to bike around. Currently I'm a fat-ass so ya know.

The goal is to see 136.8 flashing on the scale... but that may be a little extreme... *shrugs*


Here's the plan for today:
Day: 3 (September 8th)(ABC)
Weight That Morning: 137.8
Calories Expected: 300
calories intake: 1,000 :-(
exercise: bike ride, 20minutes


by the way!!! I officially fit back into my 6's again!!!

more thinspo for your viewing entertainment:

139 again. ugh.

September 8 (GW 142.4)
•    Morning weight: 139.0
•    Calories consumed:
•    Exercise length:

Today is a "goal weight day" and apparently... I have two??
142.4 is definitely met,
whereas 136.8 was not.

I'm 139.0 this morning, but after some exercise and pills- i should get to 137ish, but not 136 unfortunately... hmm... how to punish myself? Bike ride to classes (I live miles away) That sounds good :-)

138lbs

I'm 138!!! FINALLY some movement!! For a reward, when my boyfriend went away to class- I zoomed out the door and bought myself a gift... they came together, so really 2 gifts :P

They are natural diet pills. I FINALLY get to try Acai berry- which is supposed to work wonders :P Using the two things combined for 14 days, I shall... what does it say? "burn fat and calories" as well as "detoxify and cleanse"

woot! Plus the berry one taste yummy :P...
gotta go to the bathroom!

geez- that stuff works fast lol. I literally took it 4minutes ago- with water like it said- and it certainly cleansed me!
sorry... tmi?

Day 2

Day: 2 ( September 7th)
Weight That Morning:  138.8
Calories Expected: 500
Calories Consumed:835cals
D: tuna+alfredo+ rice = (400)
S: (sick) chicken, rice, alfredo= 400
S: rice cake

calorie total: 400