Confession

 So I finally opened up on my "real life blog"... how ironic right, that I call it real life? I view this "blog" as a place for my ED to just go bat-out-of-hell-crazy and be what it is... and trust me, it IS. But in no way do I commend this sort of effin' eff business to others. If you have a mental illness, you can understand this, but if you don't, you can't...
Imagine that every time you screamed into a pillow, you instead posted on here. That's what it's like for me. My other "safe haven" blog has turned more into "recovery" blog, then the reality that is me now...


I'm reluctant to speak "like this" "ed lingo" because it's
a. triggering as hell!
b. nonsense
c. probably very annoying.


so here I do it, and I see that people have started to follow this blog, and even copy it's contents. I'm "flattered" that you like my website- and that it's an attractive site for your ed's to run rampid and play...
but be careful on the playground.
I offer up tools and OCD behaviors that have saturated my brain for years, and I do not offer them lightly. The reason they are up is to lower the volume that these things are being SCREAMED into my head. This is my pillow. I am screaming into the pillow and getting these foul thoughts out of my system.


I am not Pro Ana. But I am suffering from an eating disorder- and feel lost like so many of us do. I will come up with little tempting titles "shrink to gain, gain to shrink bleh bleh" only to soften the blow from my head, make it believe it's an "ok" thing that it exists and terrorizes my life. It relieves the guilt... but yet then it creates so much more.


I want to prove I'm not "pro ana" but if one were to look at this site and it's contents, I would surely be hanged for my crime. They point and say "WITCH!!" and what can I do to prove myself not a witch? be weighed versus a duck? See if my buoyancy is good in water? Be burned at the stake and see if I survive?
No. All I can do is make sure my thoughts stay to themselves and do not tempt, curse, or affect other living souls. No turning people into newts, no voo-doo lingo like "thinspo" and "stats" and "hw, lw, cw, gw, ugw", and certainly no practicing in public.
I am practicing in public.
I am rightfully being accused of having a mental illness.
I go to those meetings, "Hi, my name is Susie- I'm a Food Addict"
I confess my many sins.


"I hide a piece of toast..." " I took more diet pills then recommended..." "I didn't just go to the bathroom..." "I made a site that looks like, and functions as a pro-ana site..."


This site is what it is. A pillow full of screams, lists, OCD behaviors and thoughts. It is an utter crappy pillow. Holes, burns, blood, tears, smeared mascara.


This is a disclaimer of sorts I believe.
Be careful on the playground children. This play set is made out of broken glass and wooden shards. If you fall for any of this, it may hurt you more than you thought it would...


This is my mind, opened for all to see- but it is not my heart. Please remember my heart remains complete and it is the one directing my words right now.
I love you all, and I don't want to see any of us get hurt, but I know we suffer greatly.
Please be careful