Safe

I managed to scare myself away from overdosing. *phew*.

I lost another lb- I'm the thinnest i've been in QUITE a LONG time. 134.8!! Still larger than my average- but getting there! 3 more lbs to go until I meet my "normal highest weight"

On another note, i'm stopping taking my Topamax because it makes me crazy- even though it helps me lose weight(- it's better then diet pills!) because it effs up my birth control pill... and I don't want babiessssss soooooo yeah.

I'm also going to have to get off this combo of anfanil (or whatever it's called) and prozac because they have a BAD interaction (ummm.... hello psychiatrist????) and make me uber zombie-ish- as well as even more suicidal. as you may have been able to tell.

Tomorrow I officially withdraw from college... again.

I've been biting my lip all day and haven't cared. I just don't care anymore, depression is really bad...

ok, well that's all. I'm still alive

toodles

Fat Exposure therapy lol

my thighs still touch *gags* and I still have a little belly pouch, but my abs are visible and if I bend over- my thighs don't touch... so that's a start! Still need to be 136 by today, else punishment.

my today stats:

Day: 4 (September 9th)

Weight That Morning:  137.4

Calories Expected: 400

Calories Consumed: 700cals

D: noodles and tuna and alfredo sauce (700)

exercise:

A Good Morning, hopefully

Yesterday I was so overwhelmed by

a. my eating disorder
b. my ocd
c. my constant anxiety
d. my depression
e. my constant thoughts
f. this elimination diet and sticking to it

that I lost sight of reality. The reality is I CAN do this. I CAN go to classes and get good grades, even with these demons on my back.
I CAN follow the elimination diet- even though it's tough
I CAN manage my disorders... I hope.

I had posted a video- you may have noticed I took it down, which I titled "Sicken" and was the beginning trauma of my relapse... but some idiot posted "Why would you upload that?" so I pathetically blocked her and took many of my videos down in response.

Whenever I get hate-filled comments, I flip out- think EVERYONE is thinking that way, and convince myself that I'm a failure. I don't know why... I just (as Bryan ha said) give people too much power over me. It makes sense that my ED raised it's head and yelled "Over here! Use me as a weapon!!!" so I was going to starve myself again "to show them who's boss"

I'm on two diets:
- elimination diet (for medical reasons)
- abc diet (for ED reasons)

I went all OCD yesterday and separated my chips into their given serving sizes and placed them in ziplock bags. I almost taped myself doing it because I knew how ridiculous I ws being.... but ya know. Because I'm "newly" relapsing, and recovery is hardly in sight for me at this point, I don't want to call attention to myself.

I've also started exercising whenever I get the chance.
I'm super tired so I think i'll try to go back to bed now...

goodnight ya'll

Day 2

Day: 2 ( September 7th)
Weight That Morning:  138.8
Calories Expected: 500
Calories Consumed:835cals
D: tuna+alfredo+ rice = (400)
S: (sick) chicken, rice, alfredo= 400
S: rice cake

calorie total: 400

Day 1

ABC DIET!!

Day: 1 (September 6th)

Weight That Morning:  139.2

Calories Expected: 500

Calories Consumed: 500

Meal Plan:

- 9:00 B- apple juice (100)

- 5:00 D- rice (240) 
7:00 S-tuna in alfreda sauce (160)

= 340+ 160= 500

Plateau

I'm stuck around 140- 139.8- have been for a week now *ughh*

on another note, I dyed my hair.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Today is the start of the ABC diet.  hope I can last on it. Before I lost 30lbs!

To help.... abc

ABC diet starting tomorrow, compliments of
http://www.prettythin.com/apps/forums/topics/show/3342342-abc-starting-september-6th

I'm in need of some guidance because of my recent binging on frozen yogurt (i know, right? and I'm lactose intolerant)
If I have "set #'s" for me to follow, except a guideline of 500cals or less- then i think I can do better.
A lot of the girls are making meal plans, so I think I'll do that too...

This morning I was down a lb- which made me happy. I feel awfully sick right now (results of my pills- prozac and bc pill) also... you know, diet pills.

ughhh I told myself that I wasn't going to be on the computer, yet here I am- and I've been on it since 5:30 :-(