I'm ranting

I'm so sick and tired of being fat :-(
I have NEVER EVER been higher then 131.4 in my LIFE until I was put on abilify :-( then I gained 20lbs... wtf????? I'm miserable every single day- even if I don't show it. I literally crawl out of this body- I hate it so much. Sure, I'm still tiny enough you can see definition of ribs or whatever, and I'm on the lower range of healthy or whatever- but I'm fucking huge. I have never been this big. And now it takes effort???? To get thin???? It used to take me huge meals and prayers to GAIN weight back when I was a senior in high school and couldn't donate blood because I was too scrawny. I was 114 and complaining about it. God I hate myself.

If only I could see what I'd turn out to be now. A fat, ugly, depressing slob who can't even go to college she's so messed up.
My mom was afraid I dyed my hair black- like when my sister did- when she was really depressed, and that this was a sign of me being in a very bad spot. That's not why I did it, I did it as a pick me up- but obviously nothing in this world will pick me up unless I starve myself down.

I just want to claw at my skin, yell at the sky, run around in circles, roll up into a ball. All at the same time. Why am I like this??? Why can't I just be satisfied and happy? Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be better??? In ALL the senses of the word.
Better.
Why can't I be best.
no...
at this point, why can't I even be acceptable?

I'm a fuckup through and through. Fuckups destroy their lives and I have. I've tried to kill mine what, 4 times now? probably more to come... hopefully only one more to come...
and what have I left in my wake?
Win, win, win, win, fail, fail, fail, fail... epic fail.

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't be out in the world. I should be in the hospital... or home... or in Western Psych on the Eating Disorder Inpatient Floor... but I'm still too fat, and my mind comes up with excuses.

I always wonder after these sort of posts... is this my suicide note? Is this my last goodbye?
In the past my last goodbyes have been written slurrs of
Izzssss toook too many kloonopinssss arghhhHHHH godBYEEEEEE
pure literature.

so should I start writing a suicide book or something, now that I know I'm going to do it eventually?

God. I just need to shut up. It's late. I'm an insomniac. and stupid.
bye guys...
not a forever bye, I still have insignificant goals to achieve

So I'm outta the Hospital!

an update of sorts

I've been down lately. blehh.

hospital

My boyfriend wants me to go to the hospital. today :-( I really don't want to because I gained so much this weekend I NEED to lose it before I can do anything... ugh I feel so trapped.
Yeah, I was a whooping 143.8 last night. Gained 6lbs???? S yeah, not feeling very nice- especially since I was soooooo close to my effing goal of losing 20lbs by my birthday. Now I'm screwed.
Buying diet pills today. Not going o the hospital no matter what. I need to lose that 6lbs I put on. NOW. FAST.

This is what I wrote in my LJ about it last night:

It's like I put it on hold.

It's as if I put my eating disorder on hold when I went home. All my troubles, depression, anxiety went out the window.
I ate. Probably for my family I ate... and even though I told myself I was "still in check", I was not somehow.

Let's get personal. I haven't crapped in 3 days or so- and today the gates finalllyyyy opened- only when I got back home to my apartment... so I keep telling myself that's why i'm fat.
Plus I had some bad lactose intolerances responses a few days in a row... bloated and horrible.

sooooooooooooooooooo
I've been "stuck" we shall call it. I weighed myself for the first time and I gained 8lbs over 3 days. I am distraught- truth be told. I feel enormous... I was so close to my 20lbs goal and now I lost 5 effing lbs instead of 15.

I feel horrible, I want to die- all of the obsessive EVERYTHINGS came back. I think, why can't I control it here??? Why does it haunt me here???

And then I think I can NEVER go into western psych- ever now. I'm too fat, I'm huge- who fucking cares if I take too many diet pills and now have started on laxatives and don't give a flying hhdjfgadygvafadjdfavjfdsafbj about my kidneys and whatnot.

must scream.
FUCK.

I feel awful...

Hospitalization

"Dear Professors,

I will not be in class- or be able to meet with anyone- tomorrow the 10th of September. My Psychiatrist wants me in the hospital ASAP. I apologize if this is an inconvenience, I do not wish to miss classes but I need to take care of myself at this point.
I expect to return to classes on Monday, but I am unsure how long I will be hospitalized at this point.
Thank you for understanding"


because of my bad kidneys and white blood cells, my psychiatrist is hospitalizing me- and especially because I almost attempted suicide again today.
I'm weaning myself off the diet pills and it sucks balls.

I'll try and lose weight though since they can't treat my ED there