FAT

I'm sorry, I know "no you're not!!!"

but I am...
at least I feel it- and feeling it matters- doesn't it???
ugh.
ack.
grr.

I "binged" today. ate 2,000cals... normal some would say, healthy others would repeat.
Nay. I say.
And what I say ultimately matters.

My birthday diet effing sucks. I binged... all because of glorious frozen yogurt that i can eat. I'm going to throw the other away- unless Bryan thinks that's a waste and then I'll give it to him.

I'm... upset...?
I'm mad really- all I feel is anger towards myself. I came up with a system of rewards and punishments and have been punishing myself ever since I binged, mentally- and physically.
"i'm just dancing"

yeah... right. wish I COULD just dance, but I feel everything jiggling, see my grabable thighs. It makes me want to cry.
I feel trapped in a body that certainly CAN'T be mine, you know?

Everything was going so well.
I finally got my schedule in check, I was going to classes- I even made it a few days without anxiety meds! But now i'm a whale again... nothing has changed except my mind, it got too comfortable- and that's a red flag to throw a grenade.

I lost 10lbs- so what, i'm still at the "you look great!!" phase where everyone tells me that...
which means I'm normal... horribly, unspecial, horribly... something.
I don't want to be something
I want to be nothing
I deserve to be nothing...
that's the only thing I actually deserve in life...

Tomorrow I see Dr. Siple.
I plan to not eat at all for the next three days (as punishment for my betrayal on my diets rules)
I almost said watch me die, but instead- watch me float.

I'm so moody.
here are the punishments my mind has placed on me:
- stay up past 1:00am
- exercise til your heart stops beating normally
- obsess obsess obsess
- dance crazily for an hour
- full tae-bo tape
- bike to school

at this point I don't even want to go to school...
not when I feel/look this huge.
Maybe I'll just take a sick day tomorrow and go to Siples.
He'll probably call dr.miner and they'll have me to the psych ward...
I don't know, that's what my mind tells me I deserve.

Last year for my birthday I attempted suicide.
This year for my birthday I'm doing that, but slowly and more discretely.
even though I want this year to be great!

I want to keep eating for even more punishment
but I know i'll just keep eating and keep punishing...
so instead I'll rip myself apart from the inside out.
darnit.

I just want peace.