hospital

My boyfriend wants me to go to the hospital. today :-( I really don't want to because I gained so much this weekend I NEED to lose it before I can do anything... ugh I feel so trapped.
Yeah, I was a whooping 143.8 last night. Gained 6lbs???? S yeah, not feeling very nice- especially since I was soooooo close to my effing goal of losing 20lbs by my birthday. Now I'm screwed.
Buying diet pills today. Not going o the hospital no matter what. I need to lose that 6lbs I put on. NOW. FAST.

This is what I wrote in my LJ about it last night:

It's like I put it on hold.

It's as if I put my eating disorder on hold when I went home. All my troubles, depression, anxiety went out the window.
I ate. Probably for my family I ate... and even though I told myself I was "still in check", I was not somehow.

Let's get personal. I haven't crapped in 3 days or so- and today the gates finalllyyyy opened- only when I got back home to my apartment... so I keep telling myself that's why i'm fat.
Plus I had some bad lactose intolerances responses a few days in a row... bloated and horrible.

sooooooooooooooooooo
I've been "stuck" we shall call it. I weighed myself for the first time and I gained 8lbs over 3 days. I am distraught- truth be told. I feel enormous... I was so close to my 20lbs goal and now I lost 5 effing lbs instead of 15.

I feel horrible, I want to die- all of the obsessive EVERYTHINGS came back. I think, why can't I control it here??? Why does it haunt me here???

And then I think I can NEVER go into western psych- ever now. I'm too fat, I'm huge- who fucking cares if I take too many diet pills and now have started on laxatives and don't give a flying hhdjfgadygvafadjdfavjfdsafbj about my kidneys and whatnot.

must scream.
FUCK.

I feel awful...