I'm ranting

I'm so sick and tired of being fat :-(
I have NEVER EVER been higher then 131.4 in my LIFE until I was put on abilify :-( then I gained 20lbs... wtf????? I'm miserable every single day- even if I don't show it. I literally crawl out of this body- I hate it so much. Sure, I'm still tiny enough you can see definition of ribs or whatever, and I'm on the lower range of healthy or whatever- but I'm fucking huge. I have never been this big. And now it takes effort???? To get thin???? It used to take me huge meals and prayers to GAIN weight back when I was a senior in high school and couldn't donate blood because I was too scrawny. I was 114 and complaining about it. God I hate myself.

If only I could see what I'd turn out to be now. A fat, ugly, depressing slob who can't even go to college she's so messed up.
My mom was afraid I dyed my hair black- like when my sister did- when she was really depressed, and that this was a sign of me being in a very bad spot. That's not why I did it, I did it as a pick me up- but obviously nothing in this world will pick me up unless I starve myself down.

I just want to claw at my skin, yell at the sky, run around in circles, roll up into a ball. All at the same time. Why am I like this??? Why can't I just be satisfied and happy? Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be better??? In ALL the senses of the word.
Better.
Why can't I be best.
no...
at this point, why can't I even be acceptable?

I'm a fuckup through and through. Fuckups destroy their lives and I have. I've tried to kill mine what, 4 times now? probably more to come... hopefully only one more to come...
and what have I left in my wake?
Win, win, win, win, fail, fail, fail, fail... epic fail.

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't be out in the world. I should be in the hospital... or home... or in Western Psych on the Eating Disorder Inpatient Floor... but I'm still too fat, and my mind comes up with excuses.

I always wonder after these sort of posts... is this my suicide note? Is this my last goodbye?
In the past my last goodbyes have been written slurrs of
Izzssss toook too many kloonopinssss arghhhHHHH godBYEEEEEE
pure literature.

so should I start writing a suicide book or something, now that I know I'm going to do it eventually?

God. I just need to shut up. It's late. I'm an insomniac. and stupid.
bye guys...
not a forever bye, I still have insignificant goals to achieve