More on me...

As you may have heard, seen written, or gathered- I am not doing too hot.
- lost 15lbs
- has to call crisis services every day to keep self from killing self
- can't go to classes due to unbearable anxiety
- had a panic attack (first one in a few months!)
- was supposed to be hospitalized
- had to withdraw from college.

Yeah...

I have a therapist appointment today at 4:00 (there was a cancellation), I see my psychiatrist tomorrow (he's uber worried about me), and I also see a medical doctor tomorrow at 2:00 (because my kidneys and my white blood cells).  have help waiting for me, and here's my plan of action

- go to abc meetings (anorexia, bulimia, cutting)
- go to Mental Health Association of Northwestern PA and their activities
- go into inpatient care somewhere (western psych? Meadville? Nittany? Meadows? not sure yet)
- see team weekly
- get my effing eff act together
- catch up on incompletes
- find a job

Right now, I feel tired, but relieved that I withdrew from college- which is a good sign. I still feel like I failed again though, and that maybe I'll just never be anything in life since I can't handle college...
I don't know, I'm hard on myself.

Here's the thing though,
I don't want help for my eating disorder, because it's such a comfort and I find it... helpful, if that's weird? I think it's the only structure in my life and something I can rely on... an old friend through the tough times. I know, I know, it's NOT my friend and ultimately it's making the tough times... tougher- but still... the control.

comments and support are appreciated, I need them really...