The return of fat

It's been a while because i've been inpatient for a few weeks... fun. refeeding. Didn't gain weight, but gained a bit of a life back. I am no longer on diet pills- and glad for that. I am scared i'll go back to them because I feel like i've gained weight... but i can't tell because my boyfriend got rid of our scale :-(

I think i'm back though... I hate that i've learned what hunger feels like again... now i'm wrried i'll never be able to be thin...
I'm planning on buying a new scale when I get the chance to- but for now, I'm just going tostart watching my weight. I haven't purged in 5 months and I want to keep it that way., but i'm terrified that I'll start again because I no longer have diet pills to distract myself.
It doesn't help when people you met in inpatient comment on old photos of you when you weighed 10lbs less saying "omgggg ur body is amazingggg"... was... was amazing.
I'm in this odd limbo where I feel i can ultimately decide if I want this eating disorder for the rest of my life... or not. I have the perfect opportunity now to really embrace life and get my life back on track... or i can take this time and ruin myself even more.

I do want a life... but I want to be thin. I hate that I can't have both.

I'm back guys, so i'll be posting more often :-) sorry it's been awhile!!