tomorrows goal:

buy new scale. and hide it well.

The return of fat

It's been a while because i've been inpatient for a few weeks... fun. refeeding. Didn't gain weight, but gained a bit of a life back. I am no longer on diet pills- and glad for that. I am scared i'll go back to them because I feel like i've gained weight... but i can't tell because my boyfriend got rid of our scale :-(

I think i'm back though... I hate that i've learned what hunger feels like again... now i'm wrried i'll never be able to be thin...
I'm planning on buying a new scale when I get the chance to- but for now, I'm just going tostart watching my weight. I haven't purged in 5 months and I want to keep it that way., but i'm terrified that I'll start again because I no longer have diet pills to distract myself.
It doesn't help when people you met in inpatient comment on old photos of you when you weighed 10lbs less saying "omgggg ur body is amazingggg"... was... was amazing.
I'm in this odd limbo where I feel i can ultimately decide if I want this eating disorder for the rest of my life... or not. I have the perfect opportunity now to really embrace life and get my life back on track... or i can take this time and ruin myself even more.

I do want a life... but I want to be thin. I hate that I can't have both.

I'm back guys, so i'll be posting more often :-) sorry it's been awhile!!

more secretsssss

Skins Cassie Meds

pills pills

2 green tea extracts
2 direex
2 xenadrine

stupid? yeah- smart? maybe? I need to lose weight NOW. I'm HUGE.

Thank GOD

so I just found out that my boyfriend stole my keys so I wouldn't go out and buy, as we call, contraband (diet pills, laxatives, water pills etc)... i just bitched and complained via text message and turns out he told me he hadn't thrown away my pills from before when i broke down and gave the to him!!! So now I am stocked!
I've got my xenadrine and green tea extract back!!! I'm soooo excited!!!
I NEED to lose weight before they admit me next week. there's no room for messing up. I NEED to do this.

too fat

so I tried calling inpatient and once again they make me feel like i'm not sick enough. Makes me wanna die really...
I took an anxiety med and am trying to simmer but I have to drive allll the way to Pittsburgh for an assessment and then wait to see if they'll accept me or not.
fun.

i just want to go crazy and ubr od on diet pills right now, I feel so fat :-(

in good news, two days ago it was my birthday and I bought cute shoes:

so yeah.
I'm 22 bitchesssssssss

Not sure how much I weigh- i've been a pig lately and had to go back on abilify because I was hallucinating (fun, right? I thought my boyfriends arm was a dead cat)

Yeah. so my assessment is next week on thursday and so i have to wait forever now. a week to sit around and eat air and such.
I hate being judged. It's lkike i'm being judged for how fat I am and why I shouldn't be in inpatient- because i'm fat.