More Secrets

2nd batch :-)

Mainly for F*ckedUpAppendix

These were post secrets I made a long time ago about my ED
I actually sent some in too. I made over 57 of them, so I'll only post a few for now. These happenbed to be the first 7 or so

abilify

sorry abilify. I'm letting go of you. I'm convinced you made me gain the 20lbs i've been trying to lose.
goodbye.
hello withdrawal symptoms. bring it on.

Safe

I managed to scare myself away from overdosing. *phew*.

I lost another lb- I'm the thinnest i've been in QUITE a LONG time. 134.8!! Still larger than my average- but getting there! 3 more lbs to go until I meet my "normal highest weight"

On another note, i'm stopping taking my Topamax because it makes me crazy- even though it helps me lose weight(- it's better then diet pills!) because it effs up my birth control pill... and I don't want babiessssss soooooo yeah.

I'm also going to have to get off this combo of anfanil (or whatever it's called) and prozac because they have a BAD interaction (ummm.... hello psychiatrist????) and make me uber zombie-ish- as well as even more suicidal. as you may have been able to tell.

Tomorrow I officially withdraw from college... again.

I've been biting my lip all day and haven't cared. I just don't care anymore, depression is really bad...

ok, well that's all. I'm still alive

toodles

i'm not going to

don't worry. i won't.

fucking family

pills pills pills... which ones to take which ones to take.

i called my house for support because I was bored.
my dad said "well that's because you're not in school"
ee thanks dad.
starts crying.
mom won't talk to me because i'll depress her.,
fuck them all.
fuck me.
fuckin' meds.
od.

THIN= meish

patience is a virture- but it effing rocks if you wait it out!!!
My body looks sick today.... like sick= good, not sick as in throwup-disgustingly-horrible.

I officially say you can see my ribs again.
6 more lbs and I'll be back to being my "normal" weight (around 128)
do you think I can lose 6lbs by my birthday??? that's my goal! I have 6 days hahahahaha
oh god. yeah right.

ok well i'm off. toodles ya'll

Music Video I made

To Karen Elson's "The Birds They Circle"

Rough day again... for some reason I've gained weight even though I haven't eaten anything. sucks. I hate my life. ugh.

135.8 this morning

goin' down down baby do dee do dee do do :D

I'm ranting

I'm so sick and tired of being fat :-(
I have NEVER EVER been higher then 131.4 in my LIFE until I was put on abilify :-( then I gained 20lbs... wtf????? I'm miserable every single day- even if I don't show it. I literally crawl out of this body- I hate it so much. Sure, I'm still tiny enough you can see definition of ribs or whatever, and I'm on the lower range of healthy or whatever- but I'm fucking huge. I have never been this big. And now it takes effort???? To get thin???? It used to take me huge meals and prayers to GAIN weight back when I was a senior in high school and couldn't donate blood because I was too scrawny. I was 114 and complaining about it. God I hate myself.

If only I could see what I'd turn out to be now. A fat, ugly, depressing slob who can't even go to college she's so messed up.
My mom was afraid I dyed my hair black- like when my sister did- when she was really depressed, and that this was a sign of me being in a very bad spot. That's not why I did it, I did it as a pick me up- but obviously nothing in this world will pick me up unless I starve myself down.

I just want to claw at my skin, yell at the sky, run around in circles, roll up into a ball. All at the same time. Why am I like this??? Why can't I just be satisfied and happy? Why can't I just accept things as they are? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be better??? In ALL the senses of the word.
Better.
Why can't I be best.
no...
at this point, why can't I even be acceptable?

I'm a fuckup through and through. Fuckups destroy their lives and I have. I've tried to kill mine what, 4 times now? probably more to come... hopefully only one more to come...
and what have I left in my wake?
Win, win, win, win, fail, fail, fail, fail... epic fail.

I know I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't be out in the world. I should be in the hospital... or home... or in Western Psych on the Eating Disorder Inpatient Floor... but I'm still too fat, and my mind comes up with excuses.

I always wonder after these sort of posts... is this my suicide note? Is this my last goodbye?
In the past my last goodbyes have been written slurrs of
Izzssss toook too many kloonopinssss arghhhHHHH godBYEEEEEE
pure literature.

so should I start writing a suicide book or something, now that I know I'm going to do it eventually?

God. I just need to shut up. It's late. I'm an insomniac. and stupid.
bye guys...
not a forever bye, I still have insignificant goals to achieve

it's official

It's Official

I am starting a "lose 20lbs before going to western psych" strike. I am pulling out my stubbornness and am refusing to go there unless I am considered somewhat underweight- even just a little bit.if I lose 20lbs now, i'll be 117.
in other news. I can't poop because I've run out of laxatives. fun.

hair again, better photos

I'm a blackheaded girly now

Hair!

dyed my hairrrrrrrrrrrrr

i'll show you the outcome soon :P :P

Hunger

 

I was going to go a week without my computer... but then I realized I would be without my music... and then I realized I would be without my venting-unit (my LJ) and I just said screw it- only use it for good- no list making!!!! and here I am.

I've been artsy lately due to my new point system.

I'll fill you in later...
but last night was horrible :-( Bryan suggested I live in Lock Haven with my family and I took that to mean I'm a whiny little brat and he can't deal with me anymore and went off the handle. Hid in the closet, cried, the usual.

But yeah, we worked things out and I don't even have puffy eyes this morning *weeee!!*

ok- well I'm off to bed I think, it's still early and such.

toodles!!

Change/Self Portrait

- why so afraid of change?
- because change is big
- why so afraid of big?
- because big means more
- why so afraid of more?
- ... I don't deserve more.

New meds I'm Perscribed

- birth control pills (seasonique)
- 10 mgs of Abilify
- 50mgs of Topamax a day (for migraines)
- 60 mgs of Prozac (raising up to 80 eventually)
- 25mgs of Anafranil (anxiety med)

Some thinspo for ya

Newest Goal:

get back to 135lbs again darnit!!!! ------------------^

So I'm outta the Hospital!

an update of sorts

I've been down lately. blehh.

hospital

My boyfriend wants me to go to the hospital. today :-( I really don't want to because I gained so much this weekend I NEED to lose it before I can do anything... ugh I feel so trapped.
Yeah, I was a whooping 143.8 last night. Gained 6lbs???? S yeah, not feeling very nice- especially since I was soooooo close to my effing goal of losing 20lbs by my birthday. Now I'm screwed.
Buying diet pills today. Not going o the hospital no matter what. I need to lose that 6lbs I put on. NOW. FAST.

This is what I wrote in my LJ about it last night:

It's like I put it on hold.

It's as if I put my eating disorder on hold when I went home. All my troubles, depression, anxiety went out the window.
I ate. Probably for my family I ate... and even though I told myself I was "still in check", I was not somehow.

Let's get personal. I haven't crapped in 3 days or so- and today the gates finalllyyyy opened- only when I got back home to my apartment... so I keep telling myself that's why i'm fat.
Plus I had some bad lactose intolerances responses a few days in a row... bloated and horrible.

sooooooooooooooooooo
I've been "stuck" we shall call it. I weighed myself for the first time and I gained 8lbs over 3 days. I am distraught- truth be told. I feel enormous... I was so close to my 20lbs goal and now I lost 5 effing lbs instead of 15.

I feel horrible, I want to die- all of the obsessive EVERYTHINGS came back. I think, why can't I control it here??? Why does it haunt me here???

And then I think I can NEVER go into western psych- ever now. I'm too fat, I'm huge- who fucking cares if I take too many diet pills and now have started on laxatives and don't give a flying hhdjfgadygvafadjdfavjfdsafbj about my kidneys and whatnot.

must scream.
FUCK.

I feel awful...

I'm alive!!!

Sorry guys! I've been back home for the weekend and haven't been able to keep track of things. I shall start tomorrow though- I promise.

Two days of binging

I've been binging, and hating myself for it. I was sooooo close to reaching one of my goals- and then I get sick, my psychiatrist notices, and we order a pizza- in which I eat half. Then the day after that I felt horrible and fat and decided it would be in my best interest to eat everything in the house as
a. punishment
b. to get rid of the evil food in the house

So then I binged again, kinda sorta.
I'm convincing my mind that today (since I see a medical doctor) they may want to run labs again and thus I have to fast until I see him.

This low white blood cell thing has caught up to me and I feel like crap- especially the last 3 days.

I'm going to be honest and share my weight gain, that way I can't screw with my head and convince myself I'm smaller than I am, so I'll be updating my freakin' stats UGHH. I was doing so well too :-(

September 15 (GW 138.8)
•    Morning weight: 135.2
•    Calories consumed: 1,600
•    Exercise length: none

September 16
•    Morning weight: 137.8
•    Calories consumed: 2,000
•    Exercise length: none

I guess I don't look uber horrible- but knowing that NOW I'm closer to just 10lbs lost, then 15lbs lost makes ME feel lost :-(

thinspo.